4 Essentials for Open-minded Conversation
If you haven't watched Ted Lasso on AppleTV, immediately, IMMEDIATELY start doing so. The volume of lessons they cram into this show is downright remarkable. This show has outstanding acting, writing, and comedy and lives up to all the hype. I recently rewatched Season 1 and came across a small moment with a valuable message.
Ted and the team are celebrating a teammate's birthday. See the clip here. Sam is Nigerian and has been missing his home. As part of his birthday gift to Sam, Ted includes a small plastic army soldier his son had given to him. It was a moment where Ted wanted to connect with Sam by sharing something personal about also missing his family and home. Sam expressed his gratitude for the gifts and then asked about the toy soldier's meaning. After Ted explains, Sam asks him, "Coach, is it okay if I don't keep this? I don't really have the same fondness for American Miliary that you do." Ted quickly realizes what he means (imperialism) and takes it back from Sam.
In this scene, four essentials for open-minded conversation stand out:
Intention for connection - When your intention is connection, and there is an unintended impact, the discussion about the disconnect can be productive rather than contentious.
Mutual respect - Sam and Ted have mutual respect for one another as a starting point. It isn't lost on me that many conversations don't begin from a place of mutual respect and instead come from a place of bias. Respect allows for a peaceful exchange.
Not centering yourself - Many white people center themselves in conversations with BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, people of color) or people from other historically marginalized groups. Sharing conversations, experiences, and even gifts that are not centered in white, cisgender, male, heterosexual, able-bodied perspective is perhaps the root of openmindedness - the ability to see the world through a different lens.
Having "done the work," - Ted already understands imperialism's impact on Nigeria. Hence, he can quickly understand Sam's request. Many white people are not well-versed at the painful histories of BIPOC and, therefore, might struggle to understand why Sam wouldn't want that gift. Reading, researching, and learning about these histories is an obligation, not an option. Google, social media, and your local library can help you get started (there are several links in this post too.)
Ted wanted to connect with Sam and offered a gift that he believed would do so. Sam had the courage to tell Ted why he didn't want the gift, allowing Ted to learn something valuable. Moments like these, even when uncomfortable, lead to growth.
I often hear white people expressing fear of saying or doing the wrong thing in DEI work and leadership. Afraid their comments or gestures will be taken the wrong way, be seen as "offensive" or racist. The concept of "intention vs. impact" is more familiar than ever before, but our inability to accurately predict the impact often leads to inaction: saying or doing nothing. Inaction means we're never given a chance to make a mistake. We aren't learning or growing when we make no mistakes. Focusing on open-mindedness means we're anticipating growth through mistakes, not crash-and-burn failure.
